Oh happy day! As the year 2012 comes to an end, it’s time to sit back, let go, reminisce – and forgive, forget and be thankful for whatever it is you went through the past year. Keep it mellow, warm, friendly etc. It’s all about love. Right?
Unless of course you have your own blog and you can use EVERY POSSIBLE OPPORTUNITY TO PUBLICLY SCREW THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS OUT OF PEOPLE WHO HURT YA!
Feeling particularly dejected and angry at the year that was? Need a song to vent it all out? Why I have just the song for you (as per usual).
The robust-voiced woohoo-chanting bionic supersonic sex-for-breakfast-loving Christina Aguilera is busy displaying her ‘Lotus‘, which limped in at an underwhelming # 7 on the Billboard 200 Albums Chart this week with the lowest first week sales of her career for any of her official studio albums. This legendary achievement of course, is not to be under-estimated at all, cuz ‘Lotus‘ does boasts of a coupla songs that might just slow-burn their way up the charts (‘Army Of Me‘, ‘Blank Page‘, ‘Just A Fool‘).
And out of all the songs that may never be released as singles, it’s the song ‘Circles‘ that needs a very special mention here.
Well I’m not exactly sure when was the last time I heard a song with lyrics so defiantly poignant –
‘Spin around in circles on my middle middle finger.
I am humbled by the sheer sincerity of it all.
No, seriously. Almighty Aguilera, irrespective of a few mis-steps on the album, easily comes up with one of the funniest tracks of her illustrious career, a sarcastic kiss-off to her legion of haters!
And quite frankly, this is exactly the message I wanted to convey to all the irresponsibly irrelevant basic flops who’ve infiltrated my life the past year, making the huge mistake of being conceived #bowdownanddie
For all of you who’ve had backstabbers, haters, ex lovers and mindfuckers plaguing your reasonably happy lives – ‘Circles‘ is the song that you might wanna dedicate to them.
And now, a comprehensive 10-step demonstration/ analysis on how to annihilate garbage from your lives using ‘Circles‘ as your mantra -
1. Slip in the ‘Lotus‘ album on your playlist, and click on ‘Circles‘.
2. Keep the lights mellow, lotus flavored candles and incense to set the mood are recommended.
3. Skillfully extend your middle finger, an acquired craft that needs thorough practice to reach perfection. Ask Rihanna.
4. No lube should be present whatsoever apart from lotus dew.
5. Ask your subject to position himself/herself on your middle finger and salaciously slither down, holding a lotus in each hand. Not too difficult, ask Nicki Minaj.
6. The subject should then proceed to spin around your finger. Slowly, delicately at first, and then gradually reaching dizzying levels of speed, to at least a hundred rotations per minute.
7. An occasional wild cackle escaping your mouth is advisable, a welcome interlude while you chant the lyrics to ‘Circles‘.
8. Post rotation nausea and vomiting of the subject may be taken care of by slapping the subject on the face with Christina Aguilera’s ‘Bionic‘ CD, or by just playing the CD repeatedly on a vinyl player.
9. Proceed to behead your subject by using the ‘Lotus‘ CD as an enchanted ‘chakram‘.
10. Post annihilation, do the ‘Gangnam Style‘ dance backwards.
For all the rotten, lousy losers out there in our lives (you know who you are), this is my dedication to you!
BOW DOWN BITCHES!